Your Parents Are Lonely! Do Something Now

The Silent Crisis: Loneliness Among Indian Parents

There is a huge crisis in India that no one is talking about --loneliness among our parents. Due to this loneliness, our parents are facing serious physical and mental health issues. In the last few years, I have seen more cases of loneliness among the elderly. And I feel that loneliness is affecting not only their mental health but also their physical health. We have a misconception that such problems only occur in Western countries, where children throw their parents in old age homes. But do you know that the situation in India is even worse? A study, which included contribution from Nobel laureate Esther Duflo and Abhijeet Banerjee, showed that the number of depression among the elderly in India is twice that of America. And this situation is getting worse. Because in 2013, 10% of the elderly lived alone. Today, this number has increased to 20%. But how many of us have thought about this? In the last 10 years, I have been away from my parents for my studies or for my work. This situation is even worse for the elderly who live alone. But don't think that this problem is not with those who live with their parents. Even if you have people around you, you can still feel lonely. That's why even when you sit with your parents, they are always on WhatsApp. So why am I writing this blog? Because of two reasons. First, to tell myself that I have to improve my behavior. I don't live with my parents. So when they WhatsApp me, I get irritated. And even calling them feels like work.

Parental Sacrifice and the Reluctance to Share Burdens

But on the contrary, I need to learn from them. My parents kept my maternal grandmother in their house, which is very rare in Indian families. But they did this because they had financial resources. And they felt that it was their responsibility to take care of my grandmother. The second reason is to tell you that your parents won't tell you what they are going through. And this is in our culture. Our parents will not share their troubles. But you have to understand what they are going through. 80-year-old Jarnail Singh and 65-year-old Mrs. Kaur have been living without their children for many years. A few years ago, Mrs. Kaur met with an accident. And she fainted for 1. 5 months. When she regained consciousness, she saw all her children standing next to her. Guess what was her first reaction? Why did her husband trouble the children? They spent so much money to come here. And you think your parents will tell you what they are going through? No, they will keep everything inside. That's why I write this blog. So that you can identify what our Indian parents are going through. This way we can solve this problem as well. And if you find this blog valuable, please share it with your friends and family. This will help spread awareness of this issue.

Understanding Loneliness and Its Manifestations in the Elderly

First, let's understand what loneliness is and what are the signs of loneliness so that we can understand that an elderly is feeling lonely. Loneliness doesn't mean that you don't have people around you. It's a feeling of disconnection. You're not able to connect with people. This affects your physical and mental health. And when an elderly feels this way, it's not easy to understand. There are 3 signs of loneliness among old people 1. They are constantly sad 2. Doing daily chores seems like a burden to them. Like wearing clothes or taking a bath. 3. They have stopped doing many social activities which they used to like in the past. Like going to the park or temple. And when we can't stop these things, loneliness turns into depression, which makes things worse.

The Detrimental Impact of Loneliness and Depression on the Elderly

In fact, if you read this research paper, which is on your screen and which I talked about in the introduction, it says that old people who are depressed find it even more difficult to do basic things like taking a bath. In such situations, old people become totally dependent on their families. Because of this, many times, the families fall apart. And when they become totally dependent on other people, they feel helpless. What's the point of living such a life when I can't even wear my own clothes? The worst thing is that the old people who show signs of depression die on average 2 years earlier.

Root Cause 1: Lack of Time Spent with Parents Due to Migration

Now, because this is such a serious situation, it's very important for us to understand the root cause of the problem. And as I discuss this problem, I'll give you solutions. Mainly, there are 4 solutions. So, let's understand the roots of this problem. The first root is very easy to understand. We're not spending time with our parents. Because many children don't live with their parents for example, I've been away from home for the past 10 years due to studies or work. There are many people like me Like Surinder Kaur and her husband, Sucha Singh, who live in the village of Kukkar, Punjab. Their children are truck drivers in Canada. And guess when was the last time they met their children? 9 years ago! During these 9 years, Sucha Singh had an operation. But his children couldn't come to meet him because of their work. Sucha Singh said that if it was in his control, his children would've stayed at home. But what's there to work at home? And this is a major reason for the loneliness in the parents. Due to unemployment and the ambition of the new generation, they have to leave their homes.

The PICA Phenomenon and the Voices of the Lonely Elderly

The situation is even worse in areas like Punjab, where there's a name for this condition-- PICA or Parents in India, Children Abroad. "PICA means Parents in India and Children Abroad. " The situation is so bad that for the research of this blog when my team went to an old-age home many elderly people were talking to us for hours. Because no one had called them in weeks. But I want to give you a different perspective on this. It's difficult to blame some children. Because they're also working hard.

The Struggles of Migrant Children and Their Impact on Parents

Like Sonu from Hathras. He left his village 8 years ago to come to Delhi. Because he had no work at home. He realizes that his parents are all alone in the village. And there's no one to take care of them. But what can he do? "There was no work in the village. " "So I had to come here. " "I thought Delhi would change my fortune. " "But nothing happened in Delhi. " To save money, he didn't even rent a house in Delhi. And he lives in his car. "There's not much profit in this. " "At this time, CNG is so expensive. " "I have been here for two months. " "Earlier I had rented a room. " "I had to vacate it. " "I am living in the car. I sleep in the car. " "I use public toilets to take a bath. " "Sometimes the gas runs out at home, or my father gets sick at home. " "I have to see everything. " "I never have savings. " "Even if I have 1000, 500, 200, whatever I have, I send it. " "They don't ask for money. They know my situation. " "If they ask for 1000, it will take me four days to send it. " "Then I go and arrange it in three or four days. " "Then I send them 1000. " "I don't have a solution. What to do? " "Sometimes I feel like doing something rash. " "But then what will happen to my family? " "I am so sad. "

Root Cause 2: Loss of Companions and the Shift to Nuclear Families

These things have a psychological effect on the elderly and children. When we get old, many people's family members, friends, husband and wife die. This increases loneliness. The situation is even worse for the elderly who live alone. As I told you, 20% of the elderly in India live alone. Most of them are women. When you ask a woman why she is alone, she says that she doesn't want to live with her son-in-law. Or she doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. Imagine that she is ready to live alone, but she won't live with her son-in-law. But why does our country have such a problem? Isn't our culture good enough? We have a culture of joint families. No. India is changing, and so are our families. The National Family Health Survey of 2019-21 showed that in 2008, 34% of Indian families were nuclear. Now, this figure is 58%. This means that most families in India are nuclear. This increases loneliness in our parents.

Solution 1: Prioritizing Time with the Elderly

So how do we solve this problem? The answer is not complicated. Basically, we have to spend more time with the elderly. We have to sit with them, eat with them, talk to them, take them on a holiday, take them to the temple. These are easy ways to get rid of loneliness. Of course, I'm being hypocritical here. Whatever I'm sharing with you is something I rarely did with my grandmother. But this blog is a reminder that at least I'm not repeating the same mistakes with my parents. Sometimes, I get irritated with my parents. But then I remember how much they've sacrificed for me. My father told me 2 days ago that he came from a village in Rajasthan where there was no building in his primary school. Instead, he studied under a tree. And because of my parents' hard work, I was able to study at a university which is one of the best in the world. And I can't even take time for them? Hopefully, this will teach you what you can do better. Now, those kids who don't live with their parents, there are many private companies and NGOs for them who are solving this problem. Like Grey Shades, a senior citizen club that encourages socialization among the elderly.

Community Initiatives and Technological Aids

The phase where they are withdrawn from society. . . our mission is to lock that and empower them and channelize their time, energy and wealth of experience so that they can channelize their energy, time, and wealth of knowledge in a purposeful pursuit. There's also Aaji Care, which uses many volunteers to support the elderly in cities like Delhi, Ahmedabad, Pune, and Mumbai. For example, Nutan goes to a college in Mumbai. And after college, she spends time with 80-year-old Chhaya Patil, a retired clerk at Mumbai Port. They read newspapers, play board games, and go for a walk in good weather. There are many AI startups to solve loneliness. In fact, my mom told me two days ago that she talks to ChatGPT. She thinks ChatGPT is not judgmental. That's why she can talk to it openly. Is using AI the best way to get rid of loneliness? I don't think so. But a full blog can be written on this topic.

The Primacy of Family Connection and the Role of Government Support

No matter how effective an AI product, NGO, or private company is, the best solution is to spend time with your family. There are many beautiful things in our culture. Like the strength of our family bonds. But unfortunately, we're losing this. The surprising thing is that if you buy a house near your parents in Singapore, there's a government scheme that gives you money. So imagine that we're losing that thing in our culture while the Singapore government is giving money to develop that culture. Spending time with the elderly doesn't solve all the problems. A major problem is money. As we age, we face health issues. Because of these health issues, we can't go out and meet people. But if you don't have money, you can't even solve these health issues. This worsens your health. And you stay locked up in your room. This increases loneliness. This means that the elderly gets trapped in a vicious circle without money.

The Financial Insecurity of the Elderly and the Importance of Planning

The report on the screen shows that by 2050, 61% of the elderly will have no income security after the age of 50 which means they'll be completely dependent on their children. If the children don't earn enough, taking care of their parents becomes a low priority when they have to pay school fees for their children and do their own work. "Some children say that they can't afford it. " "They think of their parents as a burden. " "Then they come to the old-age house. " And the elderly often feels guilty about asking for money. This situation worsens for women who have been housewives all their lives and don't have much savings. This research paper shows that in India, 25% men and 16% women work at the age of 80. Working is a good thing. Many elderly people get financial independence and a sense of purpose.

Solutions 2 & 3: Promoting Health and Financial Independence

But most elderly people work in informal jobs, which are very demanding. For instance, being a cleaner. To get out of this cycle, you have to do two things. First, you have to encourage your family members to exercise and eat healthy. Poor physical health is a major reason for loneliness. When they exercise, not only will their health improve, but they'll also develop social connections. The more they exercise, the more independent they'll be. Second, we have to give them an idea of financial independence. It's important to explain what retirement savings are so that they don't depend on anyone else in their old age. But for this, you have to plan years in advance. Many people try to delay thinking about it. But it's too late by then. So it's important to plan retirement years in advance. If they get financial independence, they'll be able to buy high-quality devices like hearing aids, eyeglasses or walking sticks. This will increase their independence and they'll be able to meet other people. For the elderly who don't have retirement savings, it's up to the children to financially support them. Remember, many elderly people feel guilty about asking for money. So you have to give them money before you ask for it.

The Role of Government and Solution 4: Finding Purpose in Later Life

The government also plays a major role in this. But many of our governments ignore this. For example, the Government of Uttar Pradesh spends more money on feeding the cows than on the pension of an elderly person. I'm not saying that it's not necessary to support a cow. But look at the proportionality. After spending time with your parents, encouraging them to exercise, and giving them financial independence, you finally have to find a purpose for the rest of their lives. For example, this is Jatinder Singh and his wife from a village in Punjab. They have a son and a daughter. Their daughter left for Canada 10 years ago. And their son left home a year ago. They may live alone in a big house, but they don't feel alone. Because they keep themselves busy. They run a drug de-addiction center for young people. They sponsor a local football team and participate in many community events.

Dignity Through Purpose and the Importance of Family Responsibility

Then an aunt from Delhi whom we met, she said that she spends her time taking care of animals. Because of such things, our parents get dignity. Now, think from their perspective. They spent their life making important decisions. Whether it is about their family, job or community. When you give them such opportunities so that they can participate in the community, they would feel that their life has a purpose.

Conclusion: A Call to Revive Family Support

Mental and physical health is greatly affected by this. That is why you have to do four things. Spend time with your parents. Encourage them to eat well and exercise. Make them financially independent. And finally, tell them to find a purpose in life. And all these things will become easy when their family members take up the main responsibility. For centuries, there was a culture in our country to support our family. Hopefully, we can work together to revive this culture. If you found this blog valuable, please share it with your friends and family members. So that awareness about this problem can spread.